The Mystery of Rice Krispies

Ethan sounded out the three words heard round the world for decades.

S-N-A-P...C-R-A-CK-LE...P-O-P (he can sound out words now).

Ezra said, "What do these words mean?"

I poured milk into Ezra's bowl.

Put your ear up close and listen carefully.

They both crowded up next to Ezra's bowl.

Ethan looked up with a big smile, "Mystery solved!"

Moving Out

Again, talking with Ezra about the idea that someday he won't live with mom and dad.

"I want to live in California."

Later that day...

"I want to live in the mountains...by myself. You'll have to take an airplane to see me...or a train."

Suddenly remembering my own admiration of Grizzly Adams. What was the name of his bear? I always wanted a bear.

Awesome Attitude

As most parents know, a lot of the time it feels like you're downright failing to raise your kids in the way you intended to. Then once in a while you realize that you might be doing slightly better than you thought...or maybe you were just blessed with a cool kid. Either way, I'll take it.

BIG?

Everyday at bedtime, the boys sit on the respective arms of Ethan's big black leather chair and wait for me to sit down to read them books. One of them will invariably start to chant, "Watch out for the big butt!"

Those of you who have seen my butt will feel the irony...

Houses

In the midst of a conversation with Ezra about the reality that there will come a day when he won't live with mom and dad anymore, Ezra said, "I want to live in a costume party house."

Trouble

Ethan: "I don't want to get in trouble anymore...so I'm going to do what you ask me to do."

Sound familiar KB?

Potty Talk

Ezra while going potty, "I yike to move it, move it. I yike to move it, move it."

Overheard

Not sure what it means when you overhear your 3 year old yelling at the top of his lungs, "Yeah baby, yeah baby, yeah baby, yeah!"

Order

I can tell Ezra is awake when I hear the patter of small feet on the hardwood floor. He is quite systematic in his wake-up ritual. First, he turns his fan off (of his own accord). Then he opens his door and shuts it behind him. He seems to be a person who values order.

Teeth

Ethan: "My teeth are pointy. When I grow up I'm going to be half-man, half-dog."

First Time

The wind in your hair... Hard pavement underneath... The pervasive feeling that you might finally be free for just one moment, coupled with the inescapable feeling that you might actually fall flat on your face...

Can you remember your first time?

Dinos

Lest we forget this all important truth...DINOS RULE!

Pure Joy

Swarming

Ethan, Ez and I sat in the kitchen eating lunch.

We had just returned from fishing, where Ethan had caught an 18" largemouth.

A sense of peace pervaded the room as I gazed out the sliding glass door at what you could call...a perfect day. I couldn't help myself. The words came rolling off my lips...

"Thank you God for this beautiful day..."

Ethan turned to look too. "This day is swarming with life."

More than you know E-dog.

Facing Fear

"Dad," Ethan said, "Shut my closet door."

Say what??? It's bed time. I'm about to walk out the door of my five year old. I feel surprised because Ethan always has his closet door open...with the light on.

"Why do you want me to do that?"

"Dad, I'm facing my fears tonight."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I just knew this was a pretty big moment.
Questions started flooding my mind. I didn't know which question to ask first...

"What do you mean...face your fears? Where did you hear that...at school?"

"Yes."

"Did you read a book about it?"

"Yes."

"How did the story go."

Ethan smiled because he loves to tell stories. "Two guys were going hunting for bears and one guy was scared. So his buddy told him to face his fears. So I'm going to face my fears."

"What are your fears?"

"My fears... I'm afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of monsters in my closet. I'm afraid of my dreams."

I wasn't quite sure how to respond. "Wow," was all I could muster. This seemed like a big deal. I searched my mind, trying to get beyond my surprise. Why did this matter? Because fear is prevalent. Fear is one of the most disempowering aspects of the human condition. And courage...courage is acting despite the presence of fear. Ethan is going to need that. I still need that...

"Wow, Ethan that's really brave. It takes a lot of courage to face your fears." My words felt trite compared to the awe mixed wonder that I really felt.

Ethan grinned.

"Love you. See you when you wake up."

"Love you Daddy."

...to sit and be still

Ezra is sick today. The kind of sick where I look into his eyes and have a hard time finding him...as if the real Ezra has actually gone some place else.

He lay on my bed most of the day while I worked, falling in and out of sleep. Sometimes he would look at me for a moment, but would never speak, as if words simply took too much effort.

There's a feeling that's born in me on these days, reminding me of the fragility of life. It's a feeling that falls somewhere between pity and love. On any other healthy day, where mad running, fervent playing, and little man defiance is the norm, it's easy to forget how small and delicate life can be. But this day reminds me.

So now I sit, quiet in a chair, holding the limp body of my boy, sometimes reading or whispering soft words, and sometimes lifting a cup to his mouth for those few drops of water to fight dehydration. And somehow today, unlike many other days, I do not feel the urgent need to produce some work of great value.

Yes, today this is enough...to sit and be still with my sick boy.

Long View

Ethan had just finished brushing his teeth...and he was quiet. That alone caused me to pause. He looked up at me and said, "Dad, I don't want to die." Then he sat there a little longer and said, "Dad, I'm afraid to die."

It was one of those moments where some quick brush-away answer wanted to come flying out of my mouth...something like..."oh don't worry buddy...there's nothing to be afraid of" or "death is just a part of life...", or something else that I didn't mean. But I didn't say any of those things.

Instead, I sat down on the edge of the tub and thought for a moment.

"E, I don't want to die either. I'm not ready to die."

Ethan, still staring into my eyes said, "Is it because you don't want to leave your stuff?"

I thought for another moment. "Nope. That's not why. I guess I still want to do some things in this world."

Funny thing is...I think that's true, but I'm not entirely sure what I mean by that. It's not like I have a list of 100 things I want to do before I die...cause I don't. In fact, I don't think it's about doing any one particular thing, or even about doing 1000 particular things.

I want to be a fisherman, not just to fish a whole bunch, but learn to live a different way because I am a fisherman. I want to know the kinds of trees that surround a lake, and understand that the bottom is sand or rock, and that the water is clear or stained, and that there are different kinds of baitfish that live in particular kinds of habitats. And I want to know what particular kinds of fish like to eat at various times of the year. And I want to know how the moon and the wind may change the feeding patterns of a smallmouth bass. I want to learn to be a fisherman.

I want to be a partner. Not just a husband, whatever that means, but I want to participate in walking a long, long way with Shell...so long that just when things start to seem so familiar that we can't stand it anymore...something will happen...and we'll get to know each other even more deeply...and what was once familiar will suddenly appear new. I want to learn to be a partner.

I want to be a father. Not a friend who is a father, although that is certainly tempting. But a father, who makes decisions with the long view in mind. A father who backs up from the anger of a moment, to see the reason for the anger. A father, who actually lets his sons participate in what he's doing, even though it takes a lot longer. A father, who remembers that each new stage of life is just a breath. I want to breathe it deep and let it fill the nooks and crannies of my soul. I want to learn to be a father.

So Ethan, I guess that's about right. I'm not ready to die, because I've got a whole lot of being to do...and so do you. My hope is that we'll do a lot of that being...together.