Quiet

After being reminded to be quiet because of the baby sleeping in the next room, Ezra whispered to Ella, "I'm the quietest person in this house."

Love Her

In speaking of ten month old Claire, the newest addition to Shell's child care, Ezra said, "Once I get to know her...I'm going to love her."

Boys' Weekend

In untypical fashion, Ezra, who had just slammed a pink sucker exclaimed, "THIS IS YUMMY!!!"

Sad

Loss does not discriminate between young and old. It is one thing we all share.

In light of recent events, Ethan lay on his bed, in the dark of his room, crying. I felt like crying too.

In a rare moment of transparency, he said, "Everything feels sad right now."

Not sure I could have articulated it any better.

At a loss for words, I wrapped myself around him, and he wrapped himself around me.

And together, in silence, we let the waves of grief pass over us.

Excellence in Academics

Hard to put into words how it feels when your child is recognized both for who they are and what they've done. Excelling in academics is sign of both God-given intellect and hard work, both of which I'm very grateful for in my son.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov49UpzuNsw

School Dreams

In the darkness of his barely lit room, Ezra said, "Since I been goin to school I don't have bad dreams...just school dreams. When I close my eyes I see inside the bus. When I close my eyes I see Brandon."

A world unknown awaits my boy. He has tasted it and likes it.

And for him everything is new.

Everything is new.

First Day

Ezra started preschool today.

I couldn't help peeking out the 2nd story hallway window to watch the exit and entrance. It was strange to see his little body getting on and off the bus. He looked so proud and so small.



At the dinner table he told of his best and worst parts of the day. His eyes glowed in a new way. He seems to have grown up time and a half in one day.

I am sad and happy.

Hallelujah

Ezra, Ella Rae, and I sat quietly at the table eating lunch.

"Do you know Hallelujah?" said Ella, looking at me.

Ezra and I looked at each other a bit stumped.

My mind raced through what she might mean...surely she couldn't be thinking of the Jeff Buckley remake. She's THREE...

I started to sing.

Well I've heard there was a secret chord
that David played and it pleased the Lord
but you don't really care for music do ya?

And it goes like this, the 4th, the 5th
the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah

Ella's eyes were smiling. "That's it!"

We cleared the table and washed our hands. As Ella walked away to find some new adventure, she hummed a little chorus under her breath...and I hummed along.

Hallelujah...

Whew

Ethan: "I LOVE school!"

Dad: "Whew...on so many levels..."

The Problem

In the aftermath of a typical parent/child conflict including both male parents and the eldest children in the Pennings and Bouma households, Julia Sue summed up the situation perfectly.

"Ezra is NOT the problem."

Glimpse into the Soul

Ezra's shyness is both intriguing and perplexing. What does he think/feel when he acts shy?

When we were alone on the boat last week, Ezra allowed me to catch a glimpse into his soul.

Sometimes...my body feels weird when people look at me.

Sometimes...my body feels weird when people talk to me.

This

Last night, while reading bedtime stories, one of the characters in our book shared that his best experiences revolved around weekend camping trips to a nearby lake with his dad, brothers, and uncles.

Inspired, Ethan said, "You know what my best experience is?"

I thought he was going to say our family trips to Green Lake, Long Lake, or Markin Glen park. I thought he was going to point to the extraordinary, the times that break up the monotony of everyday life.

"This is..."

For a moment I didn't understand. Then it dawned on me... He means now.

THIS. Nightly moments in a big black chair (getting more cramped by the day), all three of us...together, captured by the stories of Narnia, Pa and Laura, Max and his Wild Things, Jesus, Lamont, and The Farmer...

Of all the incredible experiences of his life, Ethan's favorite...is this.

Suddenly, humbly, like a bolt of lightning to the heart...I know it's all worth it.

Ethan's Annual Bass

This is getting ridiculous. EVERY May, Ethan pops a nice bass in the exact same place at almost the exact same time of year.

Now that's consistency.

Rare

The dim afternoon light bathed my room with that rare warm sleepy feeling. The fan whirred gently. I sat at my desk quietly pondering the meaning of truth.

We have a full house today and all the beds are filled, so Ezra lay on my bed sleeping a few feet away. I was struck by his restfulness, his rhythmic breathing, the gentleness of the moment.

I felt the sudden urge to lay next to my boy. As I did my own body became strangely restful. It felt good.

After a few moments Ezra began to stir and saw me lying next to him. He grinned. So did I.

Not sure why, but I had the feeling that this was one of those rare moments you can only have when your kids are small. It's the kind of moment that doesn't, or can't replay itself as your children grow older. It's the kind of moment that can only happen when life is made of play and all is still simple. Ezra delights in me, and I...in him.

I don't want to leave this moment...

A New Season

Interesting that opening day of catch and release bass season revealed that our family has entered a new season of life.

For the first time, I was able to take my boys fishing and that's what we ended up doing...the whole time. Not changing lures every three casts (as is typical for a young boy who's not catching a bass every cast), not whining and complaining and acting just like every other three year old. Just fishing.

On this day, we fished...and talked...and laughed...and played. On this day we were just a dad and his boys enjoying what we all love to do...together.

I think I'm going to like this new season.

Click here to catch a glimpse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vio3L7YSiZQ

Spontaneous

Shell, in a spontaneous mood, told Ethan, "Let's get out of here...just you and me. Let's go to Traverse City right now!"

Ethan thought for a moment. "No. I don't have my bathing suit with me."

"We could get a new one when we get to T.C.," Shell replied.

"Nope. I want mine."

Shell had heard this sort of response before.

"You're just like your dad."

Big?

Last night Ethan and Ezra were having a conversation while waiting for me to come in and read them books before bed.

Ezra: "Watch out for the big butt!"
Ethan: "Don't have to. No one in our family has a big butt."
Ezra: "Daddy does!"
Ethan: "Daddy has the littlest butt in the world."
Ezra: Silence

Ahh...the beauty of perspective.

Shame

After a fight with a friend which ended in frustration and anger, I sat talking with Ethan hoping, instead of the usual surface response, that he might reveal a glimpse into his soul.

How do you feel?

"I feel angry."

Why do you feel angry?

"Because Carlson laughed at me."

My heart began to sink. I knew where this was headed.

Why do you feel angry when someone laughs at you?

"Because I feel stupid...I feel stupid when people laugh at me."

There it is. The seeds of shame have begun to grow. The battle for the soul of my child has begun. It's the battle of humanity. It's the battle that causes us to question our worth...our identity.

Ethan feels stupid when someone laughs at him because he wonders if perhaps he IS something to laugh at. He wonders if there is something wrong with him. He does not yet know for certain that he was created beautiful...exactly as he was intended to be. He does not yet know that failing to catch a ball does not mean you are a failure. For now, who he is and what he does are too closely linked.

I feel the weight of this battle. I feel the weight of the responsibility of battling on behalf of my children. And I feel angry too. But it is an anger coupled with resolve. I am up for the battle. But I'm going to need some help.

This will be my prayer.

Lord, help me to remember how it feels to be a child and face what a child faces. Give me strength and resolve to remind my boys often of their immense value, regardless of what they do. Help me to remind them that they are created beautiful...exactly right. And protect them, Lord, against the subtle seeds of shame that seek to steal and destroy them. So let it be. So let it be.

Gross

There comes a time in every little boy's life when he realizes his Mom and Dad aren't simply his Mom and Dad...but real people with real wants and desires of their own. Ethan came to his realization last night.

"Stop kissing all the time...it grosses me out."

Thinking

Ethan: "I like putting my laundry away because it's quiet...and I can think."

I know how you feel my boy.

The way it shall be...

Ezra, lying on my bed, playing with some little guys...lost in thought, "The first shall be last...the first shall be last...the first shall be last..."

And the last shall be first.

Amen, amen, so let it be.

Cold Feet

While I have lived in long underwear for the past 5 months, Ethan and Ezra have spent the majority of winter in shorts and t-shirts. Brrr...

That's why I am so puzzled by the fact that Ezra insists on donning a pair of socks when he goes to the bathroom (yes, even at 4am). Sure, the ceramic tile is a bit cold on the feet, but 99% of the rest of his life the child lives in his skivvies. Go figure.

In the dark of the night

In the dark of the night when the mind wavers between dreams and thoughts, I felt a close presence. I opened my eyes to the silhouette of a small boy's head, only inches from my own. Ezra.

I took him by the hand and led him downstairs. In the dim glow of the bathroom nightlight I asked, "Why did you get up?"

"I wanted to see you."

I heard the words come out of my mouth, "You can see me in the morning," but my heart said something different.

In the dark of the night...he wanted to see me.

For this one moment, I'll not think of lost sleep...but of a little boy who wanted to see his dad...in the dark of the night.

Wishes

Ezra: I wish for no tornadoes and to live in a log cabin.
Ethan: I wish for a dirt bike and to be with God all the time.
Shell: I wish for peace and wholeness.
Lon: As Thomas the train said, "I wish to fish."