Shame

After a fight with a friend which ended in frustration and anger, I sat talking with Ethan hoping, instead of the usual surface response, that he might reveal a glimpse into his soul.

How do you feel?

"I feel angry."

Why do you feel angry?

"Because Carlson laughed at me."

My heart began to sink. I knew where this was headed.

Why do you feel angry when someone laughs at you?

"Because I feel stupid...I feel stupid when people laugh at me."

There it is. The seeds of shame have begun to grow. The battle for the soul of my child has begun. It's the battle of humanity. It's the battle that causes us to question our worth...our identity.

Ethan feels stupid when someone laughs at him because he wonders if perhaps he IS something to laugh at. He wonders if there is something wrong with him. He does not yet know for certain that he was created beautiful...exactly as he was intended to be. He does not yet know that failing to catch a ball does not mean you are a failure. For now, who he is and what he does are too closely linked.

I feel the weight of this battle. I feel the weight of the responsibility of battling on behalf of my children. And I feel angry too. But it is an anger coupled with resolve. I am up for the battle. But I'm going to need some help.

This will be my prayer.

Lord, help me to remember how it feels to be a child and face what a child faces. Give me strength and resolve to remind my boys often of their immense value, regardless of what they do. Help me to remind them that they are created beautiful...exactly right. And protect them, Lord, against the subtle seeds of shame that seek to steal and destroy them. So let it be. So let it be.